06/20/2021
04/17/2019
A skin story part ii
Beginning Of The End
I lay in bed Facebook messaging this woman across the globe in London; as tears streamed down my cheeks Hanna Sillitoe sent back words of encouragement and support. I was overwhelmed with emotions of fear but also hope. Aside from a long standing hopelessness I had felt about my skin condition, this amazing and once distant desire I had to take time off and travel was suddenly not so distant. My house had sold and I was in the middle of selling or packing up my belongings and figured that my life was already in a state of so much flux that why not now? Why shouldn’t now be the time I really try to heal from skin from within.
So I ordered Hanna’s book – Radiant, ordered a juicer, and drank up my last cocktails over the final weeks of summer.
Even though I started juicing I still couldn’t muster the courage to start the 30 day cleanse. It finally took me going to Nicaragua, on my sisters inaugural Aerial Wellness retreat in November 2017, to really get my act together.
My skin was awful that trip. Psoriasis covered parts of my arms and legs. For as much as I love animal print everything, you’d think I’d just embrace my spots as the new trendy accessory!
I couldn’t sit in the sun without being in pain and being wrapped up sweating in lulus wasn’t great either. That being said it was an amazing inspiring experience and I was surrounded by some of the best people possible.
I laughed until my cheeks and belly hurt, ate the most nourishing vegetarian meals, avoided all cocktails, and came home with a determination I hadn’t had before.
So It Begins
After arriving back in Canada with this new determination I immediately started my 30 day cleanse.
Now if you’ve read or followed the book, you know that for the first three days all you can have is juice.
I scientifically knew I could survive this but a little voice inside of me was screaming abort! Abort! You need food!
But I proceeded.
With my house being sold and while awaiting my southern departure my dad and step mom graciously took me in and put up with my strict routine. Every day I would trudge up the stairs to the kitchen carrying my juicer and a Lulu bag full of the fruit and veggies that would soothe my skin and hopefully my soul too.
My life revolved 100% around following to a T what Hanna said to do for these 30 days. I was making all my juices and food from scratch, drinking root teas, dry body brushing, and taking salt baths and vitamins.
I was working full time, and did yoga and meditation since my body couldn’t handle anything vigorous at the time. I unintentionally cut everyone and everything else out during this time because I needed all my energy focused on one thing only.
I felt confident and determined, but was obsessed with checking my skin daily for results. After two weeks I did in fact see progress, and this fuelled my motivation.
I stuck to eating vegan, not eating gluten or night shades, and not drinking alcohol or caffeine for five months.
This included through Christmas, New Years and my 34th birthday. Ok, in the spirit of full disclosure, I had a tequila shot on my birthday… but just one!
As much as my friends love me and supported my skin saving endeavour, they might have been encouraging accomplices, but it was in the heat of the moment, sue us.
Let The Travel Begin
Fast forward to Spring, my skin had improved a lot and although it hadn’t 100% cleared up I was pretty happy with the results, feeling healthy and slim (another side effect I didn’t mind).
Not only was I at a weight where I felt really good, but I could feel how healthy I was, and it showed. People would tell me that I was glowing.
At this point I had left my career with a plan to travel solo for the first time in my life. I knew it would be difficult to keep up the way I had been eating, so I allowed myself to just let go, and go with the flow of the Caribbean breeze.
Needless to say, I ate my way through everything on the do-not-eat list while I was in Curacao/Aruba and India and continued down this path straight through Israel. It felt heavenly to eat all the foods I loved that I had cut out. Like Pizza…
I am fully aware that vegan food can be delicious, I love to cook and love cooking vegan food, but let’s be real.. it’s just not the same as a piece of creamy camembert or gorgonzola cheese spread onto a fresh baguette and a glass of wine. And yes I’ve tried cashew cheese.
Every morning in Israel I would sit with my dad and sister at breakfast in our hotel as we devoured the buffet spread of eggs, cheeses, salads, breads, sweets and coffee; I savoured every bite knowing full well I would go back to being, or at least trying to be vegan soon enough.
The guilt wasn’t even that bad at this point as my skin was still clear from being sun kissed and soothed from the salty waters that I just rode the wave and enjoyed the moment.
Even though I had been eating ‘bad skin’ foods throughout the Caribbean and India, I truly felt the stress I had left behind had an enormous positive effect on my skin.
In the words of Ayokay in “The Kings of Summer’ – I just wanted to “run with feelin, of being alive”. And by that in this case I mean have afternoon beer and snacks with my dad in Jerusalem. Thank goodness he captured this very candid shot of me doing just that!
Yes, only a German looks this serious at happy hour.
Finding The Balance
I feared I had now gone so far in the opposite direction that it might be too hard to go back to my eating and drinking habits of my Hanna days. I also know that I tend to be all or nothing, extreme to extreme. I have a hard time being in the middle, being casual, being on the fence.
Don’t get me wrong I still find myself there, but when I’m there I’m struggling. I even know that the middle can be where I achieve balance. Yet knowing, and doing, are different beasts. Having positive supportive people around me helps me strive for this balance.
I’ve really been working on accepting my decisions, and not stewing with anxiety about them. Accepting and owning our decisions is a choice we all have and a path that can lead to emotional freedom.
Maybe you’ve done something too that you ended up feeling guilty about, for whatever reason. It’s in these moments that we really need to be kind to ourselves, and let it go.
Give yourself permission to give yourself a break, and if you are lucky enough to have people around you to encourage your own forgiveness don’t forget to nurture those people and relationships. Life just isn’t as fun without them. So sometimes, maybe just sometimes, you need to let yourself have that “tequila shot” – and love yourself anyway.
Ongoing Journey
I continue to struggle with my psoriasis, and continue to sway from side to side sometimes delving further into the do-not-do, do-not-eat list than other times, but for the majority of the time I’m being as healthy as I can be in terms of nutrition, and taking good care of my body, mind and soul.
I do believe that my diet, fitness and lifestyle choices can control my skin, so knowing that its fate lies in my hands is reassuring.
Does part of me want back what I had after 6 months of strict dieting? 100%. But the thought of being so restricted again feels a little daunting. I know for me to do it properly I need to be semi-settled with a bit more stability and routine.
The goal with these kind of cleanses is to cleanse your body thoroughly and continue until you see the results you want, and at that point maybe you decide to start introducing some ‘treats’ back to see how you react.
Although I do still stress about my spots I do my very best not to hold space for the worry of how it looks or what others think. This is hard for me and something I continue to work on.
I take strength from those around me who continue to be loving and supportive each in their own unique way, and for that, I THANK YOU.
My wish for myself and all of us is to continue to strive to achieve balance in our lives – whatever that may look like -and to find a way to be content with this balance because that’s sustainable.
The more we listen to ourselves the easier it becomes to not only know when we are out of balance but how to course correct.
Armed with that skill and the right tools, we can keep moving forward in the direction we are meant to go.
So, here’s to balance, to life, to love, and to you – thank you for listening.
Your Psoria Sista xox
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English
To the beautiful neighbour next door,
I never would have guessed that you struggled with your skin. You always looked glowy and so well put together (I now know which bronzer is the secret tool
Thank you for sharing your journey and struggles so openly and honestly. I think it’s easy to forget that each of us has our own battles we’re fighting.. and often alone.
Please continue to write and to share. You never know who may be listening. You are gorgeous inside and out! x
Bobby Brown Bronzed all day!!
1712 – how magical and timely and convenient.
Thank you for always listening, supporting and encouraging. xox