05/17/2019
06/20/2021
0
psoriasis: chronic pain & climate
the shadow & the gift
Covering my skin has been a default for more than two decades and the long winter months provided a bitter sweet retreat for hiding my psoriasis. Lord even the capri pant gave me anxiety – case in point 👆🏼 since my ankles have always flared the worst.
I tend to share about my skin when I’m in a lot of pain, feeling frustrated, or simply when I feel called. With summer in full swing and a super inflamed flare up across my arms and legs further exasperated by the vaccine and treatments I’ve decided to try, my already over active immune response requires all my patience and compassion as I resist falling back into old habits of letting my skin control my life and well being.
Many chronic conditions fly under the radar and it’s given me the super power of heightened empathy for others – let’s all heed a gentle reminder to extend grace over leading with judgement and our own perception, especially in a time heavily reliant on virtual interaction.
When I have good days or phases of clearer skin I subconsciously stay quiet and tread lightly in fear of “jinxing” something while acutely and obsessively monitoring the situation.
For those who know and have lived with similar up down and unpredictable conditions (regardless of 𝘿𝙊𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝘼𝙇𝙇 𝙏𝙃𝙀 right 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙎!) you know how frustrating it can be (23 yrs 🙋🏼♀️).
I was convinced that moving to a warmer more humid climate would be the answer. While it’s had it’s benefits no doubt, it hasn’t “fixed” my psoriasis. I also have to say that I’ve had clear stretches in the past in the cold dead middle of Alberta winters.
So, I’ve stopped trying to “fix it”.
I do focus on supporting my body through routine sleep, nutrition and mind practices which help regulate my nervous system. The latest food kick I’ve been on for a few months now and which I’m actually really enjoying is called the Bean Protocol by Unique Hammond – check her out here. All about that soluble fiber! Beans and Greens – welcome to my life.
In addition to the physical nourishment, wrapping myself in a daily abundance of acceptance, grace, and love is key.
If you know someone living with Chronic pain, send them a little extra love today 💗✨
the north
Born and raised in one of the coldest cities in Western Canada hasn’t made me immune to the effects of cold dry weather, no. I might argue it’s done the opposite and made me more susceptible and sensitive to it. Ironically enough I was 14 when I was first diagnosed with Psoriasis AND when I went to Australia for the first time. This trip planted the seed for the three years I would later spend living in New South Wales and traveling to near by exotic islands in my early twenties.
What also became well ingrained in my late teens was a determination to live in a warmer climate thinking that this alone would be the cure for my newly acquired skin condition.
My psoriasis would temporarily improve with each vacation taken to a sunny destination and for a few moments I would experience this lightness in my life; unconfined by the need to cover, explain, or constantly be on high alert of how I was being perceived.
I recall describing this feeling to a friend by saying how freeing it felt. How during the end of a vacation with clear golden skin I got ready for the day without this sense of dread about my skin and what I could or couldn’t wear and how I felt un-desiring and different from others around me.
While I enjoyed these moments of tan and improved skin, I hadn’t fully committed to a diet and lifestyle in full support of my immune system, leaky gut, internal inflammation and healthy mental practices therefore, my spots returned.
With my 2017/2018 mid Winter full devotion to the above and 6 month cleanse led by Hanna Sillitoe’s book Radiant I naturally cleared up the most stubborn patches of my Psoriasis (for me this has always been my around my ankles and lower legs and elbows). My skin wasn’t 100% but it had improved about 80% and I was so proud of the result and my determination. But, I knew living with this strict of a routine would be challenging full-time, with the way I still envisioned my lifestyle.
the magic
And then this magic happened.
I left a 10+ yr (fulfilling yet stressful) career and a long (toxic and stressful) relationship and travelled around the world. Sometimes it was all sun and salt water, but I also ate EVERYTHING that was on my DO NOT EAT auto-immune-vegan-gluten free-dairy free-diet list, including at times, alcohol.
I’ve reflected on this a lot…
How can I get this magic back?!
How could my skin have stayed clear for almost two years when I went against so much of the psoriasis diet I had always tried to follow?
Was there a wholeness, or quality to the food I ate in these places (like way up in the Himalayan foot hills in India where it was in its purest most natural form)? Saved from the processing, pesticides and techniques that can be harder to avoid in North America?
Or, could it be that I was simply free from so much of the stress that my body was used to fighting?
My nervous system had a much deserved break from the over and unnecessary stimulation (fight or flight).
Had my normal become some kind of chronic pain of its own?
We shouldn’t but do underestimate the effects of chronic stress on our bodies, especially those who suffer from an auto-immune condition. Our nervous system care is of the utmost importance and must be woven into our daily self care routines.
It’s taken hard work to be able to not only accept my body and skin the way it is but to trust it, to feel safe in a space that has for so long caused me pain and suffering.
Through that radical acceptance and love I’ve gained a new sense of freedom living in the skin I’ve been given, clear or not. I’ve loosened the grip of the constant daily obsession, self pity, anxiety, fear of not being loved or chosen and anger that has held me for so many years.
I’ve also sobered up to the reality that even though I’ve achieved living in a ‘hot, humid’ southern climate like Texas, I still struggle with my psoriasis.
A few months ago as I pushed through a longer than usual painful flare up I found the self acceptance and radical self love pill harder to swallow because the physical pain experienced by literally doing nothing had eclipsed the difficult sight of red flaky and inflamed patches on my body.
know deeper, listen harder
And then this magic happened again.
I went in for a planned surgery and had 5 fibrous tumours removed from in and around my uterus and proceeded to sleep for a week.
On a day I was lucid enough from the effects of the pain killers to notice, I saw that the psoriasis around my elbows was completely gone and my legs had improved.
I did get this magic back!
The thing that these two situations have in common (while taken place over drastically different timeframes) is the lack of mental and emotional stress that I was putting my mind, body and spirit through.
Even until the last hours before my surgery I was rushing and working and fretting and it had been this way for months in this phase of my career.
I can say with 100% certainty that my body, my nervous system, my skin, my skin condition, the excelerated way in which my skin cells re-generate, is exacerbated by stress.
Yes sure I still agree that what I eat and drink has an impact, but I’ve also literally proved that I can eat and drink whatever I want under certain other circumstances and my skin has not reacted in any negative way.
Just like living in places like Australia and Texas for long periods of time has also brought me some of my most difficult flare ups.
Sometimes it makes getting through a tough time easier by hanging onto some dream we think will ‘fix’ our current problem, when it reality we may still be faced with that same problem even when it’s hot and humid and the salty gulf coast waters are just a 55 minute drive away.
My advice on this front is this:
Focus on knowing your body mind and soul as intimately as possible. Yes, comparing notes and experimenting with others success stories is all good. But what works for someone may not work for you or vice versa. Sometimes there are no short cuts, sometimes we are meant to feel all of it, feel our pain and feel into the messages and gifts it might have to offer us.
I’ve lived with what I would now call another type of chronic pain for a few years.
But I wasn’t listening, I wasn’t paying attention to what my body was telling me.
Until I finally did.
I remember back to February of this year, 7 days into my recovery from a laparoscopic myomectomy and I welcomed the much needed rest and ultimate reset for my nervous and immune system.
Accepting that sometimes this REST in itself might be the magic, even though it may not clear up my psoriasis fully, is critical to maintaining not just a positive attitude and outlook but helps with the ability to be present in this body which gives us everything – life.
I’m still self conscience.
I still have days when I feel sorry for myself.
I still have fears about what people will think of me when they see my spots.
But, I’ve let go A LOT more than I ever have before.
I taste a little bit more of that post vacation freedom just a little bit more as times goes on and I build a greater sense of acceptance and safety within my body.
And..I whole heatedly surrender to the fact that it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel OK with myself or my skin.
I welcome all the love and support but this knowing….not only frees me, but everyone around me from carrying what is not theirs.
Your Psoria Sista xox
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